Shades of Gray

I've always loved the color spectrum. Its vibrancy and the ability to show how primary colors when mixed, can create other colors. Each color, although independent, was connected. 

The black and white spectrum was most interesting to me because the shades of gray were seamless from black to white. When I think about that, it reminds me how all of our actions are connected, one flowing into the next - seamlessly, fluid and sometimes clouded.

A fellow blogger posted a piece called Innocence in Infidelity? which talks about her best friend's untimely connection to a married man. After reading the blog I started thinking about the question she asked, "Is it ever OK to cheat?" I definitively answered in the realm of my black/white spectrum, "No."

Then I thought about how there are many situations that are clearly black and white. But what about the areas of gray? Pending divorce. Separation. It's all the colorful history we don't know that affects our actions...and I preface that by saying, "in some cases."

My husband and I were talking about people who commit crimes (like robbery) that inevitably go horribly wrong and the offender gets hurt. I said, "If you go into a place with the intent to rob it, you get exactly what you deserve." My husband then said, "Well what if that person is stealing to get food for their kids."

The colorful details are what consoles us, condemns us and even confuses us. Usually our actions are dictated by the moment and our personal feelings. Life is about deciding which spectrum you are working with - black and white or color. Naturally in color, things are more visible, more intriguing (or less) and more appealing (or less). In black and white, there is no variation. It's either right or wrong, yes or no, cheat or not. But what about the gray? Gray is just the watered down version of the definite.

So, is it OK to cheat? Not to me. I still like my black and white spectrum. I just omit the gray...and dye it brown. [Smile]

Mickey

Falling Out of Love

I'm working on a book which requires me to examine our innate ability to know when something is wrong - whether it's in a relationship, with our families or on the job - as women, we know when something is not quite right. I've interviewed lots of people about relationships ... so tell me what you think about a fictional situation I call, "Love's Latest."

We often ravage the magazines looking for the latest fashion trends – from the newest Roberto Cavalli trouser to the latest Gucci bag. But like most fads and trends, they change quickly – in one season and out the next. But some say if you're lucky, you've missed it without noticing or got just enough of it to transform your life.

For Phyllis, "love" was like vintage Mary Janes – old, never out of style but worn sparingly. She dated her husband for more than five years and they've now been married for a little more than two. When asked why they waited to get married, she said, "It never seemed like the right time."

They met in college, he pursued her for more than two years, but according to her she didn't want to settle down. So once she decided, "Ok he's a good guy," they started dating. They talked about having kids, religion, their childhood – everything you would discuss as you're building a new relationship. About one year into their marriage she felt as though the passion was starting to fizzle. Not just physical intimacy but the spiritual connection she says she thought they shared. Naturally, Phyllis decides, "Maybe there is something wrong with me." She went into her, "Superwoman fix it" role.

After six months of trying to "fix" their marriage, he told her he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. It was as if one day, he woke up and fell out of love.

Is this possible? Can you be in love one day and out the next?